Wowza, that last post was kind of a doozy. To say that things are different then they were then would be a lie. Unfortunately my habits and my weight are at a stand still. There's a part of me that would like to blame it on living with my in-laws. And that has definitely contributed to where I am at now, but I still ultimately have the control. We are moving out in 3 weeks, and it will be nice to have my own space to work out in, and to have my kitchen in my complete control. I can create my sheltered environment that I need in order to succeed. Eventually I need to learn how to live with food. Eventually I need to have the self control to say no, and be ok with that. But for now, and to get me started especially, I need to have zero temptations around. It is that simple!

One thing that I really wish I could improve on right now is getting myself to the gym. We have a free membership and it is a mile away and the classes there are great, but the classes that I like to attend are in the mornings. And unfortunately my kids are too unpredictable in the mornings and Cliff works late into the evenings so he isn't able to wake up with the kids if they get up without sacrificing his sleep and health. And if Calvin is in my bed and I get up, he knows! No matter what time in the morning it is and he will wake up, and anybody who is a parent knows that you do not want your toddler (who no longer naps, might I add) to wake up at 6am while you are trying to go to the gym.

I really want to work out though! I love being able to do it. I love seeing how strong my body and how capable I am. I know I am capable of a lot and that I have the total control to change my body, it's making the conscious effort to fight fight fight for it! No matter where I am, no matter what food is around me.

I'm ready to start now, but at the same time I'm pretty sure I won't be making any significant changes till we move. I'll have to think of something that I can do until then.  Peace out cyber world!

I don't want to be unhealthy

I'm tired of being unhealthy. I'm tired of not using and strengthening my muscles and eating like an oinker. I'm tired of looking at my squishy body and knowing that it is the way it is because of the way I treat it. I'm feeling pretty low right now, and I wish it was just easy to be healthy. I wish that it was always my desire to eat the right portion size. I wish I had a stronger filter to tell me, stop Stacie. You are content just where you are and just stop. But that usually doesn't happen. I think I should stop and I think you'll regret this if you keep eating it, but it will taste so good so I'm going to eat it and there is no self talk that is going to stop me! GAH!

I'm feeling pretty down right now and I should probably not let myself stew in this state, but I'm in the mood for a stew so there! HA! What are you going to do about inner voice? That's right, absolutely nothing!

Revisit to Health

The past couple of weeks have not been so great for me. I tried to do a no carb diet with my in-laws and after about 3 days I felt so sick. That is definitely not the way to go for me. But it did show me that I can have a lot of self control if I really put myself to it.

So now I'm left with what to do now. There is a part of me that just wants to accept that I am the size I am and just enjoy myself. But I'm not happy with how I look or feel. I eat like an out of control ten year old. It's not good.  And I think I have this idea that I diet and then I need a break so I take a few days off and since it's my break I pig out like none other thinking, this is my only chance to eat all these foods.

My plan is to not take a day off. I'm going to eat healthy and if there is something that I really really want I will eat it in moderation so that way I don't feel like I'm depriving myself. Also, I do need to cut my sugary treat intake. It's really ridiculous and I'm probably going to make myself sick the way that I've been eating and that is the last thing I want. I need to be healthy because I know better. I know better than to be stuffing my face. And besides just health reason, I can't fit into my old fat pants and that is just embarrassing.

My plan is to workout in the mornings. Wake up early and make it to the gym first thing. I need to go to bed earlier at night so that I can do that. And even if I don't make it first thing, I can always take the kids in the morning as well. I like exercising and it makes me feel good, but it has been hard to be consistent at it, and I could make a ton of excuses for myself, but that is not going to help me any. I know I can be doing better than what I have been.

I think there is a sense of perfectionism that I carry while I'm trying to lose weight. If I can't make it to the gym consistently and I'm not eating healthy 100% than I feel like what's the point. I can do better than that and I know it.

I want to do it for me. I will be healthy and I will be strong. I will have strong self discipline and I will make the sacrifices that I need to make to achieve what I want.

Going Good

So this past week has been pretty good. I've been tracking everything I eat and working out when I can. I've done Zumba for the past 3 days and I think that is too much Zumba. I enjoy it but I think variety is a good thing for me. I still haven't gotten up early to go to the early morning classes, but this next week I'm going to do it. Cliff has spring break so it will be easier to do a trial run.

Eating healthy has been going pretty well too. Like I said I've been tracking everything so that is good. I still want to eat too much sugary stuff. I made rice krispie treats with Calvin yesterday and I have a hard time leaving them alone. Even at this exact moment I'm contemplating whether or not I should have one. I'm not going to though. I'm going to brush my teeth instead. So there! Take that rice krispie treat. I will eat you another day...just not now because I am better than you! Boo ya!

So over all things are going good.

One more thing

Something else that I am trying to come to terms with is that losing weight and being healthy and changing my lifestyle isn't going to happen over night. When people diet they expect results right away but those results will quickly fade as burn out happens or you stop dieting and go back to your old habits. I want to change my habits permanently and I'm trying to accept that it is going to be a process. I might not be bikini ready by the time summer roles around, and that's ok. Hopefully I will be healthier and more fit by then and I can be proud of my accomplishments and resolve. And hopefully that will also reflect on the scale and my pant size, but the number on the scale isn't the only indicator of success. If I can run faster and further, and work out harder and exercise self discipline and moderation around food, then I will have found success as well. I need to keep those ideas in mind more and focus less on the results on the scale.

Self Sabotage

Self Sabotage. I'm pretty much the queen of it. I get stuck in this mental rut of feeling like I have to plan everything out (especially when it comes to eating right and exercising) that if I don't have a plan I might as well eat 10 cookies and sit and watch TV for five hours after the kids go to bed. Sometimes I over complicate things and just need to relax and keep things simple.

On the other hand, it's nice to have a plan and know what I am working for specifically. It gives a sense of accomplishment and I feel like I am working towards some goal. One of the things that I would really like to be able to do for myself is to go to bed earlier at night and wake up early enough to go to the gym before the kids wake up. The rec center has some pretty good classes that they offer in the morning that I think would be fun to go to. The only downside is that I'm afraid these classes are going to be pretty hardcore since they are called Metabollic max and are offered at 5:30 in the morning. Pretty intense, right? But I'm going to do it this week. I've been wanting to do it for the past couple of weeks, but I haven't been going to bed at a good time, and I've been sick so those have led me to do absolutely nothing.

I haven't stepped on a scale in the past couple of weeks of because I'm terrified of what it will say. I've probably gained weight and that is just really depressing because I know I did it to myself. I know the choices I make are not healthy and I need to stop that. Tomorrow I plan on going to the gym first thing in the morning, and then I'm going to go grocery shopping so hopefully I'll be able to pick up so healthy yummy things to snack on so I can fill my body with good things. I'm excited and I hope I can do well!

Wish me luck!

The past year and a half

So with a fizzle in energy and end of summer trips, my dieting and weight loss stopped. I gained some weight and then holidays came, and then I got pregnant. And then after baby came, I gained some weight and then holidays came and gained more weight till I was at the heaviest I've ever been (not including being pregnant). Talk about depressing.

So now I'm trying to loose weight again and I really want to get down to my goal weight (135), and maybe even less. I think there is a desire to get as skinny as possible but I'm not even sure what that would be. Or if I could get ever get down to a weight where I could look at myself and think, wow I look good. But that's a different boat. Right now it's all about exercising and eating right.

Eating right is a hit and miss thing for me. I still have a major sweet toot and little ability to stop at just one. But there are some days where I can be a super star.

I've been doing a lot of workout classes and started running again. It's going pretty good, but I need to start a solid weight lifting regimen. I want muscles and definition. but I want to be skinny too. So that's my goal to get is to start a weight lifting routine. More to come...