On to June

So nothing too crazy has happened this past month. I've been keeping at it and working towards my goal. This morning I weighed in at 136.2. It's pretty exciting to be so close to my goal. Just a little over a pound till I get there! And this is the lowest i've weighed in my adult life so that is pretty exciting to me. Its nice to be in a place where I am healthier and happier. And its so awesome to be so close to this goal that I've had pretty much my entire adolescents/adult years. Its great to see myself following through and finally doing it!!

May 2015...maybe it might just be my month.

You gotta love life and it's cruel jokes it plays on you. One minute you are healthy, loosing weight, exercising and feeling great, and the next minute you find out you are pregnant.

Less than a few weeks after my last post, I found out I was pregnant. It should have been a yay moment, but it was completely unexpected! And I was so focused on my fitness goals, I didn't want to comprise and have to give up on them. It was extremely frustrating, and I tried to be positive and get excited about the whole experience, but when morning sickness came and the total lack of energy, I just had no real excitement.

As our first doctor appointments and ultrasound came around, I felt more hope that I would be excited after hearing the heart beat and seeing the little tiny peanut growing. We went in for the ultrasound, and the tech found nothing there. It was a blighted ovum, a missed miscarriage. My body still thought it was pregnant, but there was nothing actually growing, and my body hadn't kept up. I was completed shocked and devastated in that moment. Even though I was not initially excited about this pregnancy, I was looking forward to this ultrasound to bring me that excitement. And instead it brought me nothing but heart ache.

The miscarriage process was a messy complicated ordeal. I took medicine that was supposed to start the miscarriage process, but when I went in for a follow up ultrasound, all the fake baby lining and what not was still there. This was the end of July. Normally they would have had me do a D&C at this point, but there was a lapse in my insurance, and we weren't covered for the month of August. So I had to wait, and be fake pregnant for a few more weeks. Thankfully I wasn't feeling sick anymore, and eventually everything passed on it's own without and problems. This was about mid August.

Since we had already gotten used to the idea of being pregnant, and it was the end of summer and that was our original plan was to try and get pregnant around that time, we started trying again to get pregnant. I was really excited at this point, and very hopeful that it would all workout. We found out that we were pregnant in Mid October, and went in for an early ultrasound. The tech again could not find anything, but she reassured me that it was probably just too early and come back in the week. My doctor called me and told me to come in for blood work and they would monitor how my HCG levels were increasing. Well they were increasing, but not enough. I came back in for several more tests, and there just wasn't any growth, enough to know that the pregnancy was not going to make it. I did the medicine again, and it didn't really work, but waited a week and everything came on its own.

This has probably been the most frustrating time of my life. Life was so busy and stressful with Cliff working and going to school, and I was trying to manage everything and doing a very poor job of it. And I was a hormonal wreck, and just not stable. It was definitely the most depressed I've felt in my life. In the process I had gained back about all 20 pounds that I had lost.

Cliff and I decided that we needed to wait awhile before trying to get pregnant again. I did not want to go through all the craziness we had experienced again. I needed time for my body to get back to normal. I also made a commitment to return to my healthier lifestyle and get in shape before having another baby.

I started the beginning of December, and have been working hard to really make changes. I have lost about 30 pounds now, and am about 6 pounds from the magical number of 135. For some reason that is just the number I want to see on the scale, even if it only lasts a day! haha!

But I have one more month before we are going to start trying to get pregnant, so I'm going to make this month count! Even with life's cruel jokes, you can always pick yourself back up and try again. You learn a lot from the cruel jokes. I feel like I know myself and my strengths and my weaknesses a little better now, and I feel like I can go forward a stronger person.

Here's to the month of May!

11 months later....

Hey Cyberworld!

Let me just tell you that life is good! It took me about 11 months to reach a place where I am really happy and working toward what I want.

I found an AWESOME website called fitnessblender.com and they offer free full length (intense) workout videos. I love them I love them I love them!! I purchased one of their 8 week fat loss programs to give me some structure and it took me two attempts before I completed it but I did it and I felt great. A friend of mine gave me a diet plan that she had done and I tried it and lost about 8 pounds in 10 days. It was great to jump start my weight loss but I couldn't keep with it. It was to restrictive and boring!!!

Currently I'm doing a different 8 week fat loss program from Fitness Blender and it's going great! The workouts are tough but manageable and I love that it is free and I can do it right in my living room!! So perfect! I'm also following their meal plan that they offered on their website. I just finished day 3 out of 28 so I still have a ways to go, but I am really loving it. Kelly and Daniel from fitness blender are big believers in a healthy lifestyle, not just about getting ridiculously ripped or losing a bunch of weight or the most current diet fad or trend. I really really appreciate their perspectives on health and what they have to offer.

Their diet plan is all about clean eating. Eating foods in their simplest form with out processing or adding extra garbage to it.  The meal plan spells out exactly what to eat everyday and I really like it because it is forcing me to try new things and things that I wouldn't have ever thought of making myself. I like it for the inspiration for healthy eating. I'm going to stick with it for the rest of the 28 days and see how it goes.

As happy as I am to just be making healthy choices, I'm also very much so hoping that this will help me loose weight. I've lost about 20 pounds since I started my fitness journey, but I would still like to loose another 20. That would be pretty cool.

But I feel like the changes I am making now are ones that I can totally keep going with. I'm able to make time to workout with no problem now a days. And once I reach a fitness level where I am happy I feel like I can easily maintain it. I'm excited to reach the maintenance phase but I have to keep working hard to get there.

Part of me really wants to say that I just want to reach a certain weight which is true. I do have a set of magic numbers in my head of my ideal weight. But I've started thinking about my ideal body. It's definitely a strong, capable body, One that is less squish and more muscle. No back fat and no pouchy tummy.

The fun thing about trying to loose weight is that I am also thinking of trying to get pregnant sometime between the end of summer and the end of the year. And with getting pregnant means gaining weight, but if I'm truly committed to making life style changes, I will still be working out during that pregnancy and still be eating healthy during that pregnancy. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you have to go off the deep end and become lazy and eat like a crazy person. I can still keep working out and being fit. I'm excited for that challenge.

But I suppose I should just stick to the challenge ahead of me. Wish me luck these next 25 days. I'm going to do my best to stick with my plan!

ps: I love FitnessBlender! If you haven't checked them out or don't know anything about their website, GO LOOK NOW!

Wowza, that last post was kind of a doozy. To say that things are different then they were then would be a lie. Unfortunately my habits and my weight are at a stand still. There's a part of me that would like to blame it on living with my in-laws. And that has definitely contributed to where I am at now, but I still ultimately have the control. We are moving out in 3 weeks, and it will be nice to have my own space to work out in, and to have my kitchen in my complete control. I can create my sheltered environment that I need in order to succeed. Eventually I need to learn how to live with food. Eventually I need to have the self control to say no, and be ok with that. But for now, and to get me started especially, I need to have zero temptations around. It is that simple!

One thing that I really wish I could improve on right now is getting myself to the gym. We have a free membership and it is a mile away and the classes there are great, but the classes that I like to attend are in the mornings. And unfortunately my kids are too unpredictable in the mornings and Cliff works late into the evenings so he isn't able to wake up with the kids if they get up without sacrificing his sleep and health. And if Calvin is in my bed and I get up, he knows! No matter what time in the morning it is and he will wake up, and anybody who is a parent knows that you do not want your toddler (who no longer naps, might I add) to wake up at 6am while you are trying to go to the gym.

I really want to work out though! I love being able to do it. I love seeing how strong my body and how capable I am. I know I am capable of a lot and that I have the total control to change my body, it's making the conscious effort to fight fight fight for it! No matter where I am, no matter what food is around me.

I'm ready to start now, but at the same time I'm pretty sure I won't be making any significant changes till we move. I'll have to think of something that I can do until then.  Peace out cyber world!

I don't want to be unhealthy

I'm tired of being unhealthy. I'm tired of not using and strengthening my muscles and eating like an oinker. I'm tired of looking at my squishy body and knowing that it is the way it is because of the way I treat it. I'm feeling pretty low right now, and I wish it was just easy to be healthy. I wish that it was always my desire to eat the right portion size. I wish I had a stronger filter to tell me, stop Stacie. You are content just where you are and just stop. But that usually doesn't happen. I think I should stop and I think you'll regret this if you keep eating it, but it will taste so good so I'm going to eat it and there is no self talk that is going to stop me! GAH!

I'm feeling pretty down right now and I should probably not let myself stew in this state, but I'm in the mood for a stew so there! HA! What are you going to do about inner voice? That's right, absolutely nothing!

Revisit to Health

The past couple of weeks have not been so great for me. I tried to do a no carb diet with my in-laws and after about 3 days I felt so sick. That is definitely not the way to go for me. But it did show me that I can have a lot of self control if I really put myself to it.

So now I'm left with what to do now. There is a part of me that just wants to accept that I am the size I am and just enjoy myself. But I'm not happy with how I look or feel. I eat like an out of control ten year old. It's not good.  And I think I have this idea that I diet and then I need a break so I take a few days off and since it's my break I pig out like none other thinking, this is my only chance to eat all these foods.

My plan is to not take a day off. I'm going to eat healthy and if there is something that I really really want I will eat it in moderation so that way I don't feel like I'm depriving myself. Also, I do need to cut my sugary treat intake. It's really ridiculous and I'm probably going to make myself sick the way that I've been eating and that is the last thing I want. I need to be healthy because I know better. I know better than to be stuffing my face. And besides just health reason, I can't fit into my old fat pants and that is just embarrassing.

My plan is to workout in the mornings. Wake up early and make it to the gym first thing. I need to go to bed earlier at night so that I can do that. And even if I don't make it first thing, I can always take the kids in the morning as well. I like exercising and it makes me feel good, but it has been hard to be consistent at it, and I could make a ton of excuses for myself, but that is not going to help me any. I know I can be doing better than what I have been.

I think there is a sense of perfectionism that I carry while I'm trying to lose weight. If I can't make it to the gym consistently and I'm not eating healthy 100% than I feel like what's the point. I can do better than that and I know it.

I want to do it for me. I will be healthy and I will be strong. I will have strong self discipline and I will make the sacrifices that I need to make to achieve what I want.

Going Good

So this past week has been pretty good. I've been tracking everything I eat and working out when I can. I've done Zumba for the past 3 days and I think that is too much Zumba. I enjoy it but I think variety is a good thing for me. I still haven't gotten up early to go to the early morning classes, but this next week I'm going to do it. Cliff has spring break so it will be easier to do a trial run.

Eating healthy has been going pretty well too. Like I said I've been tracking everything so that is good. I still want to eat too much sugary stuff. I made rice krispie treats with Calvin yesterday and I have a hard time leaving them alone. Even at this exact moment I'm contemplating whether or not I should have one. I'm not going to though. I'm going to brush my teeth instead. So there! Take that rice krispie treat. I will eat you another day...just not now because I am better than you! Boo ya!

So over all things are going good.