You gotta love life and it's cruel jokes it plays on you. One minute you are healthy, loosing weight, exercising and feeling great, and the next minute you find out you are pregnant.
Less than a few weeks after my last post, I found out I was pregnant. It should have been a yay moment, but it was completely unexpected! And I was so focused on my fitness goals, I didn't want to comprise and have to give up on them. It was extremely frustrating, and I tried to be positive and get excited about the whole experience, but when morning sickness came and the total lack of energy, I just had no real excitement.
As our first doctor appointments and ultrasound came around, I felt more hope that I would be excited after hearing the heart beat and seeing the little tiny peanut growing. We went in for the ultrasound, and the tech found nothing there. It was a blighted ovum, a missed miscarriage. My body still thought it was pregnant, but there was nothing actually growing, and my body hadn't kept up. I was completed shocked and devastated in that moment. Even though I was not initially excited about this pregnancy, I was looking forward to this ultrasound to bring me that excitement. And instead it brought me nothing but heart ache.
The miscarriage process was a messy complicated ordeal. I took medicine that was supposed to start the miscarriage process, but when I went in for a follow up ultrasound, all the fake baby lining and what not was still there. This was the end of July. Normally they would have had me do a D&C at this point, but there was a lapse in my insurance, and we weren't covered for the month of August. So I had to wait, and be fake pregnant for a few more weeks. Thankfully I wasn't feeling sick anymore, and eventually everything passed on it's own without and problems. This was about mid August.
Since we had already gotten used to the idea of being pregnant, and it was the end of summer and that was our original plan was to try and get pregnant around that time, we started trying again to get pregnant. I was really excited at this point, and very hopeful that it would all workout. We found out that we were pregnant in Mid October, and went in for an early ultrasound. The tech again could not find anything, but she reassured me that it was probably just too early and come back in the week. My doctor called me and told me to come in for blood work and they would monitor how my HCG levels were increasing. Well they were increasing, but not enough. I came back in for several more tests, and there just wasn't any growth, enough to know that the pregnancy was not going to make it. I did the medicine again, and it didn't really work, but waited a week and everything came on its own.
This has probably been the most frustrating time of my life. Life was so busy and stressful with Cliff working and going to school, and I was trying to manage everything and doing a very poor job of it. And I was a hormonal wreck, and just not stable. It was definitely the most depressed I've felt in my life. In the process I had gained back about all 20 pounds that I had lost.
Cliff and I decided that we needed to wait awhile before trying to get pregnant again. I did not want to go through all the craziness we had experienced again. I needed time for my body to get back to normal. I also made a commitment to return to my healthier lifestyle and get in shape before having another baby.
I started the beginning of December, and have been working hard to really make changes. I have lost about 30 pounds now, and am about 6 pounds from the magical number of 135. For some reason that is just the number I want to see on the scale, even if it only lasts a day! haha!
But I have one more month before we are going to start trying to get pregnant, so I'm going to make this month count! Even with life's cruel jokes, you can always pick yourself back up and try again. You learn a lot from the cruel jokes. I feel like I know myself and my strengths and my weaknesses a little better now, and I feel like I can go forward a stronger person.
Here's to the month of May!
